Words. The power to manipulate and hurt. The power each person holds yet some don’t realize it.
Words have always played a significant role in my life. However, some words have scarred me and eventually led me to define myself within those words.
I am stupid. I am selfish. I am useless. I am insignificant.
How can simple words affect me so much? The audacity of these words to now control me and define me. The carelessness of my brother for telling me these words that I always told myself didn’t matter. But slowly they kept picking at me. They began to enter my thoughts, me questioning myself and self worth. Was I really all these words?
Although there are positive words that define me too, those aren’t as significant. Words that hurt are the ones that stick.
When I am left alone with my thoughts the hurtful words are the ones that race through my head over and over again. I try to make it stop. I try to tell myself my brother's words don’t matter. He is just saying that to get me mad. He just says that because he is jealous of me. But why would he lie? Why would he be jealous of me? If all he says is true, then what am I?
You see how words have played out in my life. When promises are made to me they don’t have an effect on me whatsoever. Because to me promises are empty. To me those words in promises are not real. They don’t matter. When I hear those words fall out of anyone's lips I know they are insignificant.
Words, how strange they are. I choose to believe my brother really doesn’t understand the effect his words have on me. The control his opinions have on me.
I know most will say to just forget and not believe a word he says. But they don’t get it. They don’t get how difficult it is to hear these words fall from the lips of someone who is supposed to care about you, someone who is supposed to support you, someone who is your blood.
Choosing to ignore words ends up having a more impactful effect. I should know because that's what I did. I ignored it for some time but eventually it all hit me at once.
It was an agonizing pain, one I didn’t want to experience. I kept it all behind bars thinking eventually they would disappear. But that is the funny thing about words they never go away. Instead they are tattooed within our souls.
Why do words play such an important part in our lives? How can I make it stop having such a negative impact in my life? Will I ever be free from these words?
I would like to say I never struggled when it came to family. I would like to say I am loved by each of my family members. But those words, those three words, I never heard from my brother. He never cared and that's simply it.
Maybe some will say I’m exaggerating but I'm not. I have witnessed the love of a brother in my friends’ lives. I have seen what a brother's words should be. But instead I receive quite the opposite.
I receive words that hurt as sharp as knives. I accept the fact that my brother hates me for some reason I can’t pinpoint.
But should I accept it? Should I accept those brutal words he spits out of his mouth?
I don’t know when or how this all began. All I know is that it will not go away. And the words will keep coming, my soul will end up full of ink that it can no longer handle.
But when will that finally happen? When will I finally break into a thousand pieces? Or have I already?
The audacity of words to affect me and not have any remorse.