Column - Through the Eyes of Others
A fictional account through the eyes of a friend ending a friendship with their best friend.
Am I a terrible friend? Do I always make things about myself?
I never realized how much is wrong with me when it comes to friendships until today. I make excuses for myself when it comes to my friends and, apparently, always turn everything around on them. I thought I was a decent friend, but now I’m starting to realize being friends with someone is just too much sometimes, no matter how much you love them.
I know it’s not healthy to be alone or sit with myself every day but if I’m not a good friend what other options do I have?
I try so hard to be as good of a friend as I can. I try to show how much I care through gifts and words of admiration, but, apparently, that’s not enough. I know I have my flaws, but if I’m going through something why is it not okay for me to want to talk less? Why can’t you just accept that?
I guess there’s no point in saying this because no matter what I say it’s very clear that all I do is make excuses and try to make myself be the villain in every situation. But, if you’re blatantly attacking me, making me feel like a villain, why is it so wrong for me to start to believe that notion anyway?
Do you seriously think nothing is wrong with me when it’s quite clear that I’m not only shutting down to the outside world but also to you? Someone who is supposed to be my best friend.
I’m not pushing you away or venting over and over again every time I talk to you on purpose. I’m not making you feel bad for me on purpose. I’m not forcing you to not talk about your experiences and what you’re going through. I’m not the one who started doing this in the first place.
I don’t understand why I’m getting called out for acting childish if this is how you made me feel and I decided not to say anything about it because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I don’t understand why you’re telling me I need to grow up and if I don’t start to change my life will get worse. Don’t you think I know that? I don’t understand why I can’t tell my side of the story without it seeming like an excuse or like I’m trying to turn things on you. I don’t understand anything anymore.
I don’t know what to say and, quite honestly, I don’t know if I want to be friends anymore. Maybe I am childish for this but at least you won’t make me feel bad anymore.
At least we won’t have to have this conversation anymore. At least you won’t have to continue to make excuses for me anymore. At least you won’t have to say I don’t feel like you’re there for me anymore. At least you’ll be okay without me.
Will I be okay without you? I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore but it’ll be one less problem I have to deal with and with this I say goodbye. Don’t call. Don’t text. Don’t do anything. I love and want the best for you, but I can’t deal with this anymore.