Column - Through the Eyes of Others
A fictional account through the eyes of a high school senior who is afraid of what’s to come.
I can’t get up.
No matter how hard I try my body is stuck. I’m not sick or paralyzed, am I?
No, I’m just afraid. Afraid of doing my homework. Not because my homework is scary or anything, but once I take out that computer and look at that assignment it’ll remind me of why I’m here in the first place.
Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I won’t finish in time. No, I’m afraid of reality sinking in. It already has but that doesn’t stop me from still being scared of what’s to come. I’m afraid of being on my own. I’m afraid of having to express my feelings to others. I’m afraid that I won’t fit in, that I won’t find my niche. I’m afraid to just be me.
I’m afraid that I’ll fail. I’m afraid that I’ll stop trying. I’m afraid that I’ll make the wrong choices. I’m afraid of being stressed. I’m afraid of being happy. I’m afraid that things won’t be the same. I’m afraid that I’ll miss out. I’m afraid that no one cares about me or how I feel. I’m even afraid of being a journalist.
Have I given up because of being afraid? In a sense, I’m in the process of it right now. I’m shutting down and just want to be alone. All I can do is cry and it’s not helping. I have nothing to control, and for those of you saying control your schoolwork, how can I do so if I lack the motivation to try? If I lack the motivation to continue to follow the dreams I created years ago to better myself in the future? If I sometimes lack the motivation to want to be alive? If that isn’t keeping me going then what do I have left to motivate me?
With that being said, I’m a failure. There is no happy ending at the end of this personal article. Only realizations that I push my problems onto others, make excuses, and cannot express my feelings to save my life. No one cares. No one checks up on me to see how I’m doing. Even my own family doesn’t understand so that just leaves me with me.
That just leaves me to try to pick up the broken pieces and try to live out these experiences that I’ve dreamed of experiencing for so long. How will I do it? I’m not sure, and I fear that I won’t, but that’s okay. I fear that I’ll fail, but that’s okay. I fear that I’ll continue to keep everything inside and say I’m fine until I burst, but that’s okay. No one cares anyway.
To those who might be upset with me because it seems like I’m uninterested or like I don’t care. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being able to process my emotions correctly and I’m sorry if I’m letting you down. I know this isn’t me but it’s been really tough lately. My mind is all over the place and every time I start to think things just get worse. I don’t really want to let anyone know what I’m going through, so I just say I’m fine. I’m not, but I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to be okay anymore and it’s really, really scary. I don’t know how much longer I can continue on like this and I don’t want to do anything that I can’t take back.
Life just keeps throwing jabs at me and trying to knock me down, and I somehow haven’t completely given up, yet. Someone once said, “please don’t give up on me, I know I’m not perfect, but I’m trying” so if anyone reads this please don’t give up on me. I’m going to continue to try until I have nothing left in me. Until I know that I’ll be okay.
If you are ever experiencing thoughts of suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.